The Way She Feels
by wowstars
Summary: A kinda songfic to The Way She Feels by Between The Trees. Lots of Galex. Don't wanna give the story away, but it may be a bit upsetting to some. Might do a second chapter, depends on reviews. Enjoy xxx


**Heyy:)) I got really bad writers block on **_**Joann**_**e, so decided to write this. It was actually a dream I had (I know, weird, but I can say Gene is a **_**very **_**good kisser ;) ) Loads of Galex, sorry if Gene seems a bit out of character, it's just how I imagine he would react if it was Alex(trying not to give the story away lol), the song for this fic is **_**The Way She Feels **_**by Between The Trees, because I think it fits so well :)**

**WARNING! MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SELF HARMERS!(It triggered me, but im proud to say I was fine :D) And maybe people with eating disorders too, since there is a bit about not eating, but I dunno since I don't have one :) **

**Enjoy:)) I may do a second chapter, it depends on the reviews, coz if I get none then my mind just tells me I'm shit n that lol **

**N xxxx**

-x-x-x-

_Another bad day. Well, not that bad really. But I need this, so any excuse will do, right? So, um, today, um, that tramp outside the station. A good person would have asked him if he was ok, took him inside, made him a cuppa, right? I didn't. He even asked if I had any spare change, and said 'please', and I just ignored him. What sort of a person does that make me? One that needs to be punished. Ha. Hardly a punishment anymore, I enjoy it. Don't tell. Lol. What else though... AHA! NO FOOD! That's it you fat cow, no more comfort food, or any food, until you are a better person. Good. That's settled. Hmmmm. Bathroom? Or just in bed? Um... Bathroom. It's easier to clear up any mess I make..._

-x-x-x-

She squeezes her eyes shut tight. Her head is throbbing and she feels dizzy. But still no food. She was going to stop and give the tramp a couple of quid this morning, but he was gone. Her fault. He probably starved to death.

As she walks into CID, her stomach growls loudly. Everyone looks at her. Ray raises his eyebrows.

"Did he not buy you breakfast then?" He chuckles.

"Shut the fuck up Carling!" She snaps. The lack of food was making her irritable.

"Bolls," Gene appears from his office. He looks annoyed, or upset. _Shit, he knows about last night!_ She thinks. She knows he doesn't. She feels guilty about her little habit, so whenever someone looks at her or looks angry with her first thing in the morning, that's what comes to mind.

"Yes, gov," she says with false cheeriness. He gestures for her to come into his office. All the blinds are shut. She must be getting a bollocking. Or he knows.

"Sit down." She sits. He perches on the edge of his desk. She has a very nice view of him from here, can just smell his aftershave...

"The super wants to promote you to DCI."

"Oh. No. That would mean tranferring from here, wouldn't it?"

"Or sharing an office with me."

"And you wouldn't like that, would you?" She smiles.

"Well, would you?"

She considers for a moment. "Maybe," she says slowly, with a cheeky smirk. "But then whenever we argued one of us would have to find another place to work."

"Exactly," he agrees.

"Where would you go?" The look on his face makes her giggle.

"I'd be staying right bloody here, you should be thinking where _you'd _go!" He chuckles.

"So... do you want me to turn it down?" She asks. "I don't want to move station."

"It your choice Bolls, not up to me."

"But it is really, isn't it? If I do accept, then I'd be sharing an office with you. Will that not bother you? Having a woman invade your space? And we'd be equals, so you couldn't tell me what to do." She smiles. It's hard not to when she's with him.

"Hmm, true." He thinks for a moment. "Go on, accept it. I'll be able to keep a closer eye on you in here. You're too far away at that desk. Have to sit in here on my own all day bored stupid."

"Really?" She grins.

"Yes bolls, you can move in whenever you like. Though I must warn you, all my shit is staying put. If you must put any of your girly rubbish in here then put it in this drawer." He points to his filing cabinet.

"Doesn't that have files in it?"

"No," he scoffs. "Why would I used up my space for bloody fi- what's that?"

"What's what?" She looks around her. He grabs her arm and shoves up her sleeve.

"What the fuck is all this?" He raises his voice.

"Get the fuck off me!" She shouts, and tries to pull her arm away but his grip is too tight.

"Alex," he says softly. "Why?"

"Why not?" She snaps. She looks him straight in the eyes, which are visibly more moist than usual. He looks down at the biggest cut, the one across her wrist.

"Oh, Alex." He sighs, unable to hide the emotion across his face. "Please tell me you weren't trying to... trying to, you know."

"No, I wasn't," she looks down. "I just wanted to see what it would be like."

"So you've thought about it?"

"No. Yes. Gene, look, it was just a one off. It won't happen again."

"Really? How'd you explain thsee scars between the cuts? And how some cuts look older than others?"

"I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine now. Honestly."

"No you're not. Let's see your other arm."

"No, there's nothing on that one."

"Well show me it then."

She doesn't say anything.

"Right, you're coming home with me."

"What? No-"

"Yes. I am not having my bo- my DI do that to herself without me doing anything to stop it."

"You can't make me come with you."

"I think you'll find I can."

She sighs and heads for the door.

"Where'd you think you're going?"

"To my desk."

"Don't you remember? We share and office now, DCI Drake." He smiles slightly. "Go get your stuff. And if you're very good I'll buy you a bottle of scotch for me to drink as a congratulations present."

-x-x-x-

Alex looks over at Gene in amazement. "_Thi_s is your house?" She says.

"What's bloody wrong with it?"

"It's massive! You haven't got a secret wife you haven't told us about, have you?" _Please say no, please say no_.

"Um, yeah actually."

Her heart sinks. She manages to fake a smile. "Great," she says. "Good for you. You need a woman to keep you in line anyway." She's mumbling.

"Bolls, I was joking." He laughs. "Why would I have a wife? You boss me around enough already." She smiles and they get out of the car.

As they're walking through the door she stops. "I need my night things. I need... my nightshirt, fresh clothes for tomorrow, toothbrush-"

"You can borrow one of my old shirts to sleep in, we'll stop by yours tomorrow morning so you can get changed, and I'm sure I have a spare toothbrush somewhere. Ok?" He butts in. She calms down a bit.

"Ok," she says. She looks around. His house is even bigger from the inside. There is a big old fashioned staircase inbetween the living room and the dining room, and a number of doors behind it. Up the staircase she can see more doors, the bathroom, and some weird ornament statue thing.

They go through to the living room and Gene sits down on the sofa and flicks on the TV.

"Chinese?" He asks.

"I'm not hungry," she replies, sitting down awkwardly. The local news was just coming on, and Gene switched the channel. Chances were they already knew it all anyway.

"You need to eat. What do you want?"

"Indian. I'll have a chicken tikka masala."

"Ok, I'll go ring it. Put what you like on, it's all shite anyway."

-x-x-x-

"Here," he passes her a plate of curry. Her stomach growls noisily.

"Thanks," she says as he sits down next to her with his.

"Go on then, eat up," he says. She hesitates, then begins to eat. She really hungry, but it's too filling for her to eat it all. She takes her plate into the kitchen to wash it up. There's some other stuff in the sink so she washes that too. After a few minutes she hears Gene come into the kitchen.

"Wash that up while you're at it," he says, pushing his empty plate towards her. A small smiles spreads across her face and she washes that too. When she's finished, Gene speaks.

"I had a sister once, you know. Marionette she was called. She hated that name. Anyway, she was like you."

"What do you mean?" Alex asks. She suddenly feels uncomfortable. She doesn't like that he even knows about her addiction, never mind brings it up with her. Talking about it makes her feel exposed.

"She used to cut herself, Alex. She started off just banging her wrists on tables or winding my dad up so he'd give her a slap, but then that wasn't enough, so she started nicking razor blades from the local store. Then one day, she cut too deep. She killed herself. She didn't mean it. She just couldn't stop herself."

"I'm so sorry Gene, about your sister. It must've been really hard."

"It was. And I don't want to go through it again. So I'm begging you. Stop. Just... throw out whatever you use. Or come stay with me for a bit. I know I probably don't understand it fully, and like all addictions, it will take a while to get off it. But I want to help you."

She has tears in her eyes now. "I... can't." She whispers. "I… need it. It helps me."

"No it doesn't. It's just an illusion. You're not well. You need help."

"No I don't. Gene, you can't tell anyone. Seriously. I'll run away-"

"I'm not going to tell anyone. As long as you tell me when you've cut. And promise you'll stop. Yeah?"

"Ok," she croaks. Tears are streaming down her face now. He steps over to her and wraps his arms around her. She clings onto him, sobbing into his chest. All the emotion she didn't know how to express was coming out in one big burst. He places a soft kiss to the top of her head. She looks up into to his eyes, and before she knows what she's doing she's kissing him. And he's kissing her back. Minutes pass and the kiss becomes more passionate, hands exploring, making their way to buttons...

"Gene, no," Alex croaks hoarsely. "No."

He steps back from her. "Sorry." He walks away.

"Wait! Gene, stop!" She raises her voice. He turns around and looks at her. She takes a deep breath, then begins to unbutton her blouse, tears forming in her eyes. He gasps as she reveals her upper body, every centimetre of it covered in cuts, scars and bruises. All her cuts were in rows across her body, each about 4cm across and 0.7cm deep. But they didn't stop there. She took off her jeans to reveal her beautiful legs, covered in cuts like the ones on her upper body. But over the top of these over were bigger, deeper, more random cuts as if she'd just attacked her legs. The only places on her body that weren't cut were her face, neck, hands and feet. That was it.

"Oh, bolls," Gene whispers, as she sobs, wrapping her arms around herself selfconsciously. She sinks to the floor, her head in her hands. Then he realised that this was much more serious than he'd first thought, and that she really did need professional help.

-x-x-x-

He helped her pack. He would visit her every Tuesday and Saturday they had agreed. He felt bad about making her go in this place, but he knew that it could save her life, and he couldn't live without his Bolly. They had agreed what they would tell CID. She was going to visit a sick relative abroad.

He drove her there. And gave her a kiss as he said goodbye. He had to fight back the tears himself.

"I'm scared Gene," she whispered in his ear, her tears falling on his neck.

"You'll be fine Bolls," he pulls her to look at him. "I promise I'll call you tonight. And then visit tomorrow, ok?"

"Ok," she sniffs, and picks up her suitcase. "Goodbye." She smiles through her tears, and walks into the unit's entrance.

_Leg it, leg it now! _Her mind was telling her, but she refused to listen. She was doing this for Gene.

When she got inside she checked in at the desk, and a nurse showed her to her room.

"Lunch is in half an hour, dear," she said. "Suzi will take you down there, won't you Suzi?" She looked over at Alex's new roommate, an anorexic, who was doing stretches across her bed and smoking two cigarettes at once.

"Sure," she said. As the nurse walked out she shouted after her. "I'm still not fucking eating until you give me though!" Alex knew better than to raise her eyebrows and began unpacking her suitcase.

-x-x-x-

Alex moved her tray along the counter at the canteen. The food looked revolting. She looked down at the plastic safety knives and forks and sighed, picking up an apple and taking it back to her seat. She wasn't that hungry anyway, Gene had taken her for a fry up before she came, and if she was honest, she'd lost her appetite.

"Fuck off me! I can get my own fucking food, I'm not a fucking kid!" A familiar Irish voice echoed through the room. She turned around.

Before she knew what was happening, Jeanette had run over to her and pounced.

"You've got a fucking nerve coming here, copper!" She screeched. "I did fucking two years because of you! And I'm fucking skint too!" She yells a long line of swear words as two male nurses grabbed her arms and feet. "Get the fuck off me! Fuck! Fucking...!" Her eyes widen as a nurse comes up to her with a needle. "No! You fucking sad bastards! Get the fuck off me you cowards! I'll fucking rip your bollocks off! Just you fu..." The nurse injected her with the sedative and they carry her out of the canteen.

Alex blinks, still on the floor in shock.

"Don't worry, she always does that," a young girl about 16 says from across the table.

"Oh," Alex says, getting up and putting her chair upright again. _I have to get out of here_. _I can_'_t wait for Gene's call_. She smiles to herself. Hopefully she wouldn't be in here long.


End file.
